Well, Who Knows?

My sweet girl and I just figured out how to set up our own google accounts, so posting blogs using our own photos from our own phone cameras, should be a lot easier now.

And who knows?  Maybe I'll actually be able to write some posts on this here blog I started, what, two years ago??

This is me, tree lover.

Me with my kids and my friend at Deep Lake.

Me being hugged by my kids and mom-in-love Patsy after scattering Tim's ashes.  Wow.

 
The first thing I want to say is, grieving is hard.  I don't like it, or as the little boy of Captain America actor says, "I don't wike it!"  Since my Baber passed away suddenly almost three months ago, life has been, well, different.  It's like I miss him, yes, but I also have a hard time finding myself.  Who am I now?  I know I'm God's child, I'm a mom, I like to read, watch movies, play games, go hiking...I know all those things haven't changed.  But still, being married is something I've been my whole adult life, since age 23 anyways, and I feel strangely disconnected from my world now that Tim is dead.  I know he is gone, but I don't feel like he is gone.  I still feel married, like he's just gone, but will be back any day.  That obvious untruth leaves me feeling rather alone.

But I am so thankful to the Lord.  I don't know all the reasons why Tim died when he did.  But I do know that it is teaching me so many things.  And one of them is to redefine who I am.  Or maybe a better way to say it is to reaffirm who I really am, and have been, married or not.  I think we all get accustomed to things being a certain way, job, house, routine, etc, so that we can grow comfortable in that certain way, and those things become our boundary, our settings, our circumference.  But in reality, who we are married to, who our kids are, where we live, how we make our income, none of these things are who we are.  They are a part of our lives, but they are not our life. 

I have been drawing closer to the Lord for the last four years in a real and vibrant way that I had not experienced all my life prior to 2012.  But these last three months?  It's showing me how much I still kept God on the side, looking rather to so much of my life's circumstances instead for stability.  Now, I have the chance to look to the Lord even more, and for that I am so thankful.  It is an answer to the cry of my heart, really, to walk more closely with Him and to please Him with a grateful and full of faith heart.  Losing Tim is helping me do that. 

I'm not trying to be morbid here and say that loosing my husband was a good thing!  But I am trying to acknowledge what God is doing in me and helping me with in this, dare I say it, adventure of grief.