One Year

After a lovely day of walking around the Pt. Defiance Zoo and even indulging in a hot dog and waffle fries afterwards, sitting outside in the cooler evening air, we finally walked in the door of our home around 9:00 p.m.  The feel and smells of the air assaulted me with remembrances of last summer when we lost Tim.  I was shaken.   A week from now it will have been one year.

I didn't like the feeling and walked outside to check the mail.  But the awareness walked with me, and I realized I have just added to my life one whole year of memories, sweet, beautiful and rich, but all without Tim.  I began to tell Rosie about it, who was by my side, and she immediately put the four kids cups we got at the Zoo Plaza onto the ground and hugged me.

But the realizations weren't done sinking in.  It wasn't just that I had a whole new set of memories, experiences, times, without Tim.  It was that I would never have any more memories, experiences or times with him.

This is different than the sharp devastation of last summer.  That was overwhelming, and busy, and all encompassing.  But this, this is deeper.  It has no shock to cushion it, no immediate hive of activity to fill your time with.  It is a settling of the reality, relentless, that we are going on with life, without Tim.

It is sad.

Don't worry.  Sad is not a bad thing.  I'm not scared of being sad.  It's a precious thing to be sad.  It confirms that something mattered, that there was a value, appreciation, or love connected to it. Feeling sad about going on with my life without Tim is sweet.

Since last July, I have...

cut my long hair off.
gone camping at Lake Kachess.

gone to a rodeo.
walked the beaches of Ocean Shores.
made a couple tree care sales.
made new friends.
made deeper connections with old friends.
gone to the symphony several times.
attended a beautiful wedding.
participated in a healthy community of faith.
started to build my own lego creations.
updated my CPR training.
taken responsibility for the management of our two vehicles.  (Augh!!)
made costumes for the kids for Halloween.

celebrated Isaiah's 11th birthday.
finished watching Downton Abbey and Royal Pains.
mowed the lawn, again, and again.
hosted Thanksgiving at my house.
cut down the Christmas tree.
celebrated Christmas.

started an online bookkeeping course.
taught Isaiah how to ride a bike.
turned another year older.
sold Tim's desk.
celebrated Joshua's 14th birthday.
sat by Joshua's side in the hospital for 18 days.
colored Easter eggs.
seen The Secret Garden at the 5th Avenue.

sold Tim's Blazer.
watched three new Marvel Universe movies.
planted strawberries, kale, raspberries, and a memorial willow tree in our yard.

discovered a new watering hole for the Brotman's in our neck of the woods.
went on a bike trip with my kids.
celebrated Rosie's 17th birthday, and
visited Spokane, to name a few.

All without Tim.

But never without my heavenly Father.  And never without hope.  And always with gratefulness for His lovingkindness and wisdom that He gives so freely to me.

A lot can happen in one year.